Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
