you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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