Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
