if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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