so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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