I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My ATM looks so different sober.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
