two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
