She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
babies were throwing up all over the place
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You're breaking my sexual little heart
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
