Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
