i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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