we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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