why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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