My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
