I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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