I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize