Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
third nipple confirmed
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
