Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The Olympian is in my bed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
