Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
