a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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