I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
