i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
