Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
