i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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