Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's shark week go big or go home
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
