You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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