ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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