We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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