Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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