I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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