Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You're a waste of cheezeits
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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