I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
