y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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