if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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