Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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