LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You need Xanax blowdarts
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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