I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
