you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
