My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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