I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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