He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
