she woke up with a sticky ear
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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