Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
the condom got lost in my hair
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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