did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My vagina just clenched in fear
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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