not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
