Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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