Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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