In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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