...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
