I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
