I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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