I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
