VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
