I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
