Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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