don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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