Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
