my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
