yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
