you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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