Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
