I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
