Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize