if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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