The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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