It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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