i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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