the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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