this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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