i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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